It’s been a month since I stopped eating meat. „Oh wow, so you’re a vegetarian now, yeah?“ No, I’m not. What, wait, that doesn’t make any sense though. It completely does to me. I kind of got to the point where I don’t want to put any label on me because simply, I never know what’s going to happen in my life next and where it’ll take me to.
When I was leaving for my first big trip, you know exactly who I was. Anyway, I knew it since I was 6 years old and watched Bay Watch full of hot girls in bikinis. I knew I was different to other girls around me and it took me 17 years of my life to finally admit it, come out and become a perfect lesbian who simply doesn’t get too close to a guy just because he’s a guy.
Especially the last two years have been really bad and crazy for me. Basically different night, different girl just to „have something to do“ haha. But then something I had never experienced in my life happened. Sure I’d been in love before but this was something extraordinary and I was suddenly facing the toughest decision of my life. (Maybe) the right one for me vs freedom that I always wanted to reach. Yeah, I’m sitting here right now, pouring my biggest secrets into the soul of my laptop so I’m pretty sure you know what I went for.
In the beginning I didn’t understand anything, I didn’t know how to deal with all the feelings in my head and I’m not affraid to say that I was going throuh an emotional hell during the first three months of my trip. When it happened that I met this girl again though, I realised that it was supposed to be like this, that I reached the so-much-desired freedom and I can move on in my life.
But that was only the beginning of my next trip. A trip deep inside of my soul, where I would meet the real ME. This is definitely one of the most difficult things I have ever admitted, written and gone through. It’s probably more difficult that telling all my grand and great-grand parents that I’m into girls but here it goes. I don’t want to be labeled as a lesbian anymore.
Bang, I’m pretty sure you all have just put another stupid label on me – bisexual, but give me a chance to explain all this. Not wanting to be tagged as a lesbian anymore doesn’t mean I’m going to jump on the first guy I see, nope. I have and I will always find girls much more sexually attractive, in my head I have this image of my perfect family consisting of me, my girl-partner and two kids but I just look at everything from a different angle now. When I was travelling, I met a lot of cool guys, sometimes even an oh-man-I-wish-you-were-a-girl thought crossed my mind. I stopped concentrating on if whatever they have between their legs makes them someone I can or cannot have and started focusing on what’s in their head, if I feel comfortable with them and if we’re on the same level if you know what I mean. I knew travelling changed me a lot but I only realised THIS very recently. A few weeks ago. When I look back. When I try to think about where in life I am right now. And I don’t want to make the same mistake ever.
I’ve realised I have to let go off all the labels stuck to me to be completely free. To reach freedom. To be who I am and who I’ve always been just never had the balls to realise and accept it. I want to be open to everything that lifes throws into my life no matter how much I will struggle, rather than fight something that may supposed to be in my life but I reject it just because of some label from the 90’s.